Day 01: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day 02: Nine things about yourself.
Day 03: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day 04: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day 05: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day 06: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day 07: Four turn offs.
Day 08: Three turn ons.
Day 09: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day 10: One confession.
1. ^(n.n)^ ♪♪
2. </3
Wednesday, 8 December 2010
Tuesday, 7 December 2010
Nightmares
Dear Friend,
Do you have nightmares? Those ones that fill you with absolute horror and fear and you wake up crying after? If you don't, then you're a pathetic excuse for a human being. If I have those nightmares so should you and so should everyone else. What's one of your worst nightmares? I have a few:
One is that I have a range of strange and unexplained symptoms. They all seem really silly things, so I ignore them for quite a long time: weeks, months. It might start out with a lump on the top of my mouth that I think's silly and ignore completely as normal; then a fever and swollen lymph nodes, that I pass off as tonsilitis; then a fever and swollen lymph nodes again, that I pass off at more tonsilitis; then a fever and swollen lymph nodes that I pass off as tonsilitis yet again irritatedly, ignoring the fact I *never* get tonsilitis; then swollen lymph nodes under my arms, that I pass off as maybe upcoming abscesses that never materialise, even though I never get abscesses; then swollen lymph nodes under my arms again that I pass off as perhaps whatever "that was" before; then more swollen lymph nodes that I pass off as tonsilitis; then the lymph nodes continue swollen even when not painful; then my back aches, which I pass off as bad posture; then I get a cough that I pass off as just a smokers' cough; then I lose 2 stone in a couple of months, that I attribute to moving to university, even though with a few days here and there, I have been eating exactly the same as I did over my gap year and have been exercising maybe even less than before; then I get night sweats where I wake up drenched in sweat, that I attribute to my night terrors; then I have absolutely no energy at all, which I attribute to everything going on in my life socially; and then and only then do I go to the doctor.
Before I go to the doctor, I look up my symptoms in a medical textbook and start to scare myself, so I put the textbook away. When I go to the doctor, I expect her to diagnose me with anaemia again or some sort of chest infection and send me away with antibiotics; but she does the examinations instantly they mentioned in the medical textbook. I start to get scared as she examines all of my lymph nodes, pointing out concern with quite a few, making concerned faces while examining several organs which I didn't know were tender, and then even more so when she starts questioning my family history of cancers. She then tells me she would like to do certain blood tests (ones that would be initial tests for what I saw in the medical textbook) then come back to see her in 3 days to discuss the results and "go for a chest x-ray, be referred to haematology and 'perhaps something else too, but we'll not worry about that just now, we'll talk about it on Friday'" and then the nurse taking the blood looks and looks me up and down after seeing what she's needing to take and sighs.
Then I go home and cry.
Nightmare are nightmares. We wake up and laugh at ourselves for believing them.
But, sometimes, when you wake up, you wake up to your worst nightmare. Do you know how that feels? Awful, I'd say.
xxx
Do you have nightmares? Those ones that fill you with absolute horror and fear and you wake up crying after? If you don't, then you're a pathetic excuse for a human being. If I have those nightmares so should you and so should everyone else. What's one of your worst nightmares? I have a few:
One is that I have a range of strange and unexplained symptoms. They all seem really silly things, so I ignore them for quite a long time: weeks, months. It might start out with a lump on the top of my mouth that I think's silly and ignore completely as normal; then a fever and swollen lymph nodes, that I pass off as tonsilitis; then a fever and swollen lymph nodes again, that I pass off at more tonsilitis; then a fever and swollen lymph nodes that I pass off as tonsilitis yet again irritatedly, ignoring the fact I *never* get tonsilitis; then swollen lymph nodes under my arms, that I pass off as maybe upcoming abscesses that never materialise, even though I never get abscesses; then swollen lymph nodes under my arms again that I pass off as perhaps whatever "that was" before; then more swollen lymph nodes that I pass off as tonsilitis; then the lymph nodes continue swollen even when not painful; then my back aches, which I pass off as bad posture; then I get a cough that I pass off as just a smokers' cough; then I lose 2 stone in a couple of months, that I attribute to moving to university, even though with a few days here and there, I have been eating exactly the same as I did over my gap year and have been exercising maybe even less than before; then I get night sweats where I wake up drenched in sweat, that I attribute to my night terrors; then I have absolutely no energy at all, which I attribute to everything going on in my life socially; and then and only then do I go to the doctor.
Before I go to the doctor, I look up my symptoms in a medical textbook and start to scare myself, so I put the textbook away. When I go to the doctor, I expect her to diagnose me with anaemia again or some sort of chest infection and send me away with antibiotics; but she does the examinations instantly they mentioned in the medical textbook. I start to get scared as she examines all of my lymph nodes, pointing out concern with quite a few, making concerned faces while examining several organs which I didn't know were tender, and then even more so when she starts questioning my family history of cancers. She then tells me she would like to do certain blood tests (ones that would be initial tests for what I saw in the medical textbook) then come back to see her in 3 days to discuss the results and "go for a chest x-ray, be referred to haematology and 'perhaps something else too, but we'll not worry about that just now, we'll talk about it on Friday'" and then the nurse taking the blood looks and looks me up and down after seeing what she's needing to take and sighs.
Then I go home and cry.
Nightmare are nightmares. We wake up and laugh at ourselves for believing them.
But, sometimes, when you wake up, you wake up to your worst nightmare. Do you know how that feels? Awful, I'd say.
xxx
10 Things for 10 Days - day 8
Day 01: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day 02: Nine things about yourself.
Day 03: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day 04: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day 05: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day 06: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day 07: Four turn offs.
Day 08: Three turn ons.
Day 09: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day 10: One confession.
1. A genuine, bright and beautiful smile. All day, from morning till night.
2. A fiery passion for life and the things in it, especially me.
3. A big dick. Not essential, but a turn on. I'm not going to lie to you.
xxx
Day 02: Nine things about yourself.
Day 03: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day 04: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day 05: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day 06: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day 07: Four turn offs.
Day 08: Three turn ons.
Day 09: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day 10: One confession.
1. A genuine, bright and beautiful smile. All day, from morning till night.
2. A fiery passion for life and the things in it, especially me.
3. A big dick. Not essential, but a turn on. I'm not going to lie to you.
xxx
Monday, 6 December 2010
10 Things for 10 Days - day 7
Day 01: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day 02: Nine things about yourself.
Day 03: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day 04: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day 05: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day 06: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day 07: Four turn offs.
Day 08: Three turn ons.
Day 09: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day 10: One confession.
1. Promiscuity. By this I don't mean only the obvious meaning of the world. You've slept with 485798749 people? Ew, obviously. But More, the idea of you sleeping with anyone else around any timeframe that I have so much as kissed you is a massive disgust factor, like nausea inducing. Perhaps it's because I'm quite a jealous person, or perhaps that I am very fragile; but it doesn't matter either way, it still absolutely disgusts me. If you sleep with someone and we start dating like 2 days after and I find out (although you've done nothing at all wrong) I am completely put off, and also the converse is true, if we stop seeing each other and you sleep with someone like the day after, I am massively repulsed. In that case not only for the aforementioned reasons, because I feel absolutely horrified that I mean so 'little' as that.
2. Pretentiousness in order to achieve self-importance. Those people are so up themsevles there is no room for me to be up them. Avoid like the plague.
3. Campness. I mean a "Bit floppy hands" is okay, because I certainly don't like complete pressured over-masculinity. But at the same time, I want a man, none of this horrendously cringe-worthy, nausea-inducing display of complete and utter twattery.
4. Being shorter than me or younger than me. Even if you're like 2 months younger than me, or a month, or a week, or a day, it wouldn't matter. I would still feel a little bit creeped out... like some sort of pedo. Which is absolutely ridiculous, but I can't help it.
xxx
Day 02: Nine things about yourself.
Day 03: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day 04: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day 05: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day 06: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day 07: Four turn offs.
Day 08: Three turn ons.
Day 09: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day 10: One confession.
1. Promiscuity. By this I don't mean only the obvious meaning of the world. You've slept with 485798749 people? Ew, obviously. But More, the idea of you sleeping with anyone else around any timeframe that I have so much as kissed you is a massive disgust factor, like nausea inducing. Perhaps it's because I'm quite a jealous person, or perhaps that I am very fragile; but it doesn't matter either way, it still absolutely disgusts me. If you sleep with someone and we start dating like 2 days after and I find out (although you've done nothing at all wrong) I am completely put off, and also the converse is true, if we stop seeing each other and you sleep with someone like the day after, I am massively repulsed. In that case not only for the aforementioned reasons, because I feel absolutely horrified that I mean so 'little' as that.
2. Pretentiousness in order to achieve self-importance. Those people are so up themsevles there is no room for me to be up them. Avoid like the plague.
3. Campness. I mean a "Bit floppy hands" is okay, because I certainly don't like complete pressured over-masculinity. But at the same time, I want a man, none of this horrendously cringe-worthy, nausea-inducing display of complete and utter twattery.
4. Being shorter than me or younger than me. Even if you're like 2 months younger than me, or a month, or a week, or a day, it wouldn't matter. I would still feel a little bit creeped out... like some sort of pedo. Which is absolutely ridiculous, but I can't help it.
xxx
Sunday, 5 December 2010
10 Things for 10 Days - day 6
Day 01: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day 02: Nine things about yourself.
Day 03: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day 04: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day 05: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day 06: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day 07: Four turn offs.
Day 08: Three turn ons.
Day 09: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day 10: One confession.
1. My mum, Moira Kernan
2. My sister, Lisa Kernan
3. My oldest friend (since the age of 4), Leia Stoddart
4. Sinead (Nancy) Russell. I am one of only 2 allowed to call her Sinead.
5. You.
Day 02: Nine things about yourself.
Day 03: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day 04: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day 05: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day 06: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day 07: Four turn offs.
Day 08: Three turn ons.
Day 09: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day 10: One confession.
1. My mum, Moira Kernan
2. My sister, Lisa Kernan
3. My oldest friend (since the age of 4), Leia Stoddart
4. Sinead (Nancy) Russell. I am one of only 2 allowed to call her Sinead.
5. You.
Wednesday, 1 December 2010
10 Things for 10 Days - day 5
Day 01: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day 02: Nine things about yourself.
Day 03: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day 04: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day 05: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day 06: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day 07: Four turn offs.
Day 08: Three turn ons.
Day 09: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day 10: One confession.
1. I wish I'd never gone to look for tadpoles at the pond in Vogrie when I was five. My mum wasn't paying attention and I was away looking at the tadpoles and damselflies fascinated when my sister fell in and almost drowned. It was my fault - I should have been looking out for her - and if anything had ever happened to her I would never have been able to forgive myself. Even at that age.
2. I wish I'd never started smoking. Don't get me wrong - I love smoking and almost every aspect of it; but I am addicted. Dependent on a substance for contentment, and that goes against everything I like to think I am.
3. I wish I'd never said yes that first time, or that second time.
4. I wish I'd never listened to the things you said to me, or at the very least I wish I hadn't believed them when you said them. Those comments left a massive scar, one that still hasn't healed.
5. I wish I'd never learned how to use psychological warfare over physical violence with you. I wish I hadn't learned how to make you cry within 30 seconds, and I wish I hadn't ever used it in an argument with you. I am so sorry.
6. I wish I'd never trusted you.
xxx
Day 02: Nine things about yourself.
Day 03: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day 04: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day 05: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day 06: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day 07: Four turn offs.
Day 08: Three turn ons.
Day 09: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day 10: One confession.
1. I wish I'd never gone to look for tadpoles at the pond in Vogrie when I was five. My mum wasn't paying attention and I was away looking at the tadpoles and damselflies fascinated when my sister fell in and almost drowned. It was my fault - I should have been looking out for her - and if anything had ever happened to her I would never have been able to forgive myself. Even at that age.
2. I wish I'd never started smoking. Don't get me wrong - I love smoking and almost every aspect of it; but I am addicted. Dependent on a substance for contentment, and that goes against everything I like to think I am.
3. I wish I'd never said yes that first time, or that second time.
4. I wish I'd never listened to the things you said to me, or at the very least I wish I hadn't believed them when you said them. Those comments left a massive scar, one that still hasn't healed.
5. I wish I'd never learned how to use psychological warfare over physical violence with you. I wish I hadn't learned how to make you cry within 30 seconds, and I wish I hadn't ever used it in an argument with you. I am so sorry.
6. I wish I'd never trusted you.
xxx
10 Things for 10 Days - day 4
Day 01: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day 02: Nine things about yourself.
Day 03: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day 04: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day 05: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day 06: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day 07: Four turn offs.
Day 08: Three turn ons.
Day 09: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day 10: One confession.
1.What's going to happen when I die? I'm an atheist agnostic, and so naturally, I don't know. The most likely scenario - though unpalatable - to me is that I will die and that will be it. Memories? Gone. Life? Gone. Consciousness? Gone. Myself? Gone. That my entire life and my entire being will just disappear in a split second and may as well have never existed because I wouldn't know I have anyway - because I don't exist. Dying is my worst fear for this reason: all my good amazing memories of all the good amazing people I have met and all the good amazing things I've done disappear, never to return. I don't exist. I live very much in my mind, so to have that one thing taken away from me terrifies me.
2. If I were to be in a traffic accident tomorrow and end up in an extended coma - say a few weeks - and the doctors say they don't think I'll make it. When I do wake up that day in the hospital, who will be there? Who cares the most? Who would be holding my hand, tears of happiness in their eyes as I come to? My mum and my family would be there - at least doing shifts by my bedside - I know that and don't doubt it for a second. But who else? Who else would drop everything and come to my side? Who truly would care?
3. What if pokémon existed??
4. Where will the world be in 100 years? What'll happen to society? Will humans still be here? Will we be at peace? Will we be at war? Will we be on earth? Will we know other sentient species? Will we be living underwater? Where will the world be in 100,000 years? Will we still be homo sapiens sapiens? Where will evolution take us? Will we have even evolved? Where will medicine be? What will we have invented? Where will the world be in 100 million years? What new creatures will have evolved? Etc, etc. Ad infinitum.
5. When I am old and frail and dying (if I am old and frail when I die), who will my family be? Will I have children like I always wanted? Will I be married? Will I be widowed? Will my children visit me in my old folks home? When I look back on my life, will it be full of regret, or full of satisfaction?
6. The colours I see, are those the same colours everyone else sees? Is blue to me the same blue as for someone else? In fact, do other people even see colour in the same effect that I do?
7. What if I'd done X, Y and Z instead of A, B and C? How would my life be different?
xxx
Day 02: Nine things about yourself.
Day 03: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day 04: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day 05: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day 06: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day 07: Four turn offs.
Day 08: Three turn ons.
Day 09: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day 10: One confession.
1.What's going to happen when I die? I'm an atheist agnostic, and so naturally, I don't know. The most likely scenario - though unpalatable - to me is that I will die and that will be it. Memories? Gone. Life? Gone. Consciousness? Gone. Myself? Gone. That my entire life and my entire being will just disappear in a split second and may as well have never existed because I wouldn't know I have anyway - because I don't exist. Dying is my worst fear for this reason: all my good amazing memories of all the good amazing people I have met and all the good amazing things I've done disappear, never to return. I don't exist. I live very much in my mind, so to have that one thing taken away from me terrifies me.
2. If I were to be in a traffic accident tomorrow and end up in an extended coma - say a few weeks - and the doctors say they don't think I'll make it. When I do wake up that day in the hospital, who will be there? Who cares the most? Who would be holding my hand, tears of happiness in their eyes as I come to? My mum and my family would be there - at least doing shifts by my bedside - I know that and don't doubt it for a second. But who else? Who else would drop everything and come to my side? Who truly would care?
3. What if pokémon existed??
4. Where will the world be in 100 years? What'll happen to society? Will humans still be here? Will we be at peace? Will we be at war? Will we be on earth? Will we know other sentient species? Will we be living underwater? Where will the world be in 100,000 years? Will we still be homo sapiens sapiens? Where will evolution take us? Will we have even evolved? Where will medicine be? What will we have invented? Where will the world be in 100 million years? What new creatures will have evolved? Etc, etc. Ad infinitum.
5. When I am old and frail and dying (if I am old and frail when I die), who will my family be? Will I have children like I always wanted? Will I be married? Will I be widowed? Will my children visit me in my old folks home? When I look back on my life, will it be full of regret, or full of satisfaction?
6. The colours I see, are those the same colours everyone else sees? Is blue to me the same blue as for someone else? In fact, do other people even see colour in the same effect that I do?
7. What if I'd done X, Y and Z instead of A, B and C? How would my life be different?
xxx
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