10 Things for 10 Days - day 3

Day 01: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day 02: Nine things about yourself.
Day 03: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day 04: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day 05: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day 06: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day 07: Four turn offs.
Day 08: Three turn ons.
Day 09: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day 10: One confession.






1. Don't cheat on me. That's a good start. 


2. You don't need to splash out on extravagant gifts or occasions - though it's nice - because you could spent that time way more meaningfully. Sometimes your company for a coffee, film, a quiet drink or a pizza night in and talking shows a greater level of affection. 

3. If you say you think or feel something, mean it and act on it. Don't say you feel one way and then act in a way that completely and utterly contradicts it. Also if you can say one thing and another the next day, I know you can't have possibly meant it. i.e. I value sincerity and honestly, even though the truth sometimes leaves a bitter taste. I will respect you way more for telling me an unpalatable truth than fabricating a lovely lie or masking the truth from me under guises. 


4. As well as being able to make comfortable conversation with me, be able to make comfortable silence. Sometimes silence speaks the loudest. 


5. Be able to make me smile or laugh, even when I'm really down. If you're really good at this, you can do it just by making a face or a noise or giving me a look or saying a simple word. You know how to cheer me up instantly; but also how to make me almost wet myself laughing within an instant. 


6. Be able to read my little signals, distinguish them and act on them appropriately: I'm fine (I'm actually fine); I'm fine (No, I'm not, I want to talk about it); I'm fine (No, I most definitely am not - ask me about it and I will tear your head off); If I shiver at night, cuddle me tighter; If I nuzzle you, I feel a bit meh and would like a kiss and a tighter hug. Those sorts of things? The fact someone learns to recognise the silly little things and care about them enough to take them into account is a massive thing for me. 


7. Be a good, compassionate, empathetic and generally nice person. Vegetarian would ideally fit into this category. 


8. If you really want me, keep me, even when I get defensively upset and try to push you away. Hold on to what you want. If you do this one, you win my heart. 




9ish. I know it's only supposed to be 8. But... If you and do all of those 8 win my heart and throw it away and stand on it. Don't expect to get it back. 




Wow. I think that one was the hardest to do. 




xxx

10 Things for 10 Days - day 2

Day 01: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day 02: Nine things about yourself.
Day 03: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day 04: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day 05: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day 06: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day 07: Four turn offs.
Day 08: Three turn ons.
Day 09: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day 10: One confession.

1. I have a phobia of dogs. It used to be particularly intense - seeing me run screaming in terror away from a Jack Russell puppy was not an unusual sight. I've gotten over it slightly over the past few years in that some dogs I "sense" they're okay, and will cautiously pet them or whatever; but the moment one barks or snarls or jumps, I'm in tears.




2. I have a birthmark on my left knee. It's strange in that it only shows up if i'm very warm or very, very cold. If I'm normal, it's not obvious, but in the extremes it turns a bright vivid pink which completely contrasts against the pallid white of the rest of my skin. 


3. I find it very difficult, nigh on impossible to trust people fully. I will trust certain people with certain things duly; but to trust someone with everything is an almost impossibly difficult task. 


4. I sometimes regret not doing music and doing medicine instead. 


5. I have low self-esteem and low self-image. I don't mind, because once upon a time I had lots of both, and it made me a horrible, horrible, arrogant narcissistic person that I shudder to remember. I prefer it this way. 


6. I am perhaps one of the most stubborn people you know. 


7. My only aim in life is to go to Africa or anywhere in the third world to practice medicine for MSF... then have children afterwards. 


8. I have synesthesia. 


9. I have really bad eyesight, and when I was younger I used to refuse to wear glasses. For this reason I have an extremely strong sense of smell, and can identify people by scent alone. In some cases before I can even see them. 




xxx

10 Things for 10 Days - day 1

Day 01: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day 02: Nine things about yourself.
Day 03: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day 04: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day 05: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day 06: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day 07: Four turn offs.
Day 08: Three turn ons.
Day 09: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day 10: One confession.



1. Hi. So I've known you longer than any other of my friends, and funnily in that way, our friendship is perhaps the most dysfunctional of them all. We go through good times, and bad, and times that are neutral where we don't even see each other or talk at all for a few weeks. Even when we argue, there is something I always know: that is that you will always be there for me no matter what. Once we had a massive argument and didn't speak for over a month, and then something upset me a lot, and I phoned you up, bawling my eyes out unintelligible. You asked no questions but, "Where are you? How long will it take me to get there?" You are always there for me. Sometimes I feel a bit guilty, because you close yourself off, and I wish you'd let me be there for you properly too. 


2. You are an inspiration to me in so many ways. With no money, little health and little support, you managed to single-handedly raise two bratty children all by yourself. One day, I am going to use that nurture and love and education you gave to me, and I am going to give it to my own child. Something else I'm going to give to a daughter is your name. I really wish you'd be able to be here to see her, because she is going to be a fantastic human being. My daughter Moira, will be told every day of the most amazing, strong, resourceful, loving and kind woman I have ever known; how she made every sacrifice a mother could feasibly make to give her kids the best she could, and how she should feel honoured to carry that name. 


3. I can't believe I didn't meet you before. I know we only met very recently (and very drunkenly) but I really do feel already very close to you, that I can say absolutely anything, no matter how outrageous freely and not be judged. You are so genuinely nice too - I know already that I could turn up at your door at 3.30am completely wasted and crying and you'd drop everything and comfort me with coffee and chocolate. You've been especially supportive recently when I've really needed support, so thank you. Thank you so much. 


4. You want to go to the RSAMD? Do you really? Then fucking get off your lazy little arse and get practicing and studying. Just passing your Higher Music isn't the most you can do. There is always something more you can do. Of all people, I should know exactly how hard it is to reach that standard of music, and even for me, it took a lot of effort. The hours and hours I spent practicing my flute you know, and the hours more I spent at wind bands and orchestras etc. Just coasting won't get you the best, you need to be dedicated to what you want. 


5. You may be wise and often give good, reasonable and sound advice; but honestly, either you purposely misled me several times, or you are seriously misinformed about what you're talking about. 


6. You know what day it is in 4 days? Do you remember? You probably don't; but that's okay, because I do. I have a chipped front tooth to remember all of it by. 


7. I miss you. A lot. My GBF. I am sorry it had to turn out this way in the end; but you did betray my trust, and that it something on principle I couldn't forgive. I wish we could have still been friends, but the choice was yours - 3 years of best friendship, or a boy. You chose the boy, and although that makes me really sad, it also makes me really happy to know that you two are still together. I really hope you two make it, because I'd like to think our friendship counted for something better than that. 


8. Please, please, please. You are a logical, reasonable and stable young woman. You have a stronger head on your shoulders than most people I know. So please, please, please, get a grip on reality soon. 


9. If you exist please grant me this wish: can I pretend that aeroplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now. 


10. You'll wonder why I likely won't talk to you anymore, and please believe me when I say it's not that I don't want to, it's just that everything I want to say I can't tell you anymore.


xxx

Priorities

Dear Friend,

Something I seem to be noticing more and more is that a lot of people have really screwed up priorities. Sure, I don't mean they're always malicious; but sometimes in trying to do something they completely neglect a completely much more important aspect of the situation.

Is it more important to make someone really happy, by allowing them to be completely miserable and hurt for a long period of time beforehand so the happiness is an amazing contrast? Or should you allow them to be happy for a long period of time, and then be still really happy?

Should you put someone through pain and suffering to give them a pleasure they had no idea was on the path, or should you tell them what's at the end of the road?

It's just a thought that came to my head recently when discussing a few philosophical things.


I think that no amount of misery and unhappiness at someone's expense makes up for making them happy unexpectedly at the end of the road. Sure, if they're happy going along the path, you can allow them to make what they want of it and then unveil the final stretch at the end to make them really happy. But if they're absolutely miserable not knowing where the path ends, you should really let them know to alleviate their pain.





Sean

xxx

P.S. This is about life and divine intervention.

The Oath of Being a Medical Student

Dear Friend,

At the time of being admitted as a member of this medical school:

• I solemnly pledge to consecrate my life to the service of vodka;
• I will give to my off-licenses the respect and gratitude that is their due;
• I will practice my alcoholism with no conscience nor dignity;
• The health of my liver will not be a consideration;
• I will not respect the secrets that are confided in me by drunken randoms, even after they have passed out;
• I will maintain by all the means in my power, the honor and the noble traditions of attempting to get out of bed for 9am lectures the next day;
• My fellow students and drinkers will be my sisters and brothers;
• I will not permit considerations of age, country of origin, strength, colour, taste, nationality, logo, viscosity, popularity or any other factor to intervene between my ethanol and my blood;
• I will maintain the utmost respect for cheap shots;
• I will not use my hangover to violate the right and liberty to my fellow students to coerce me into drinking again the next night, even if I'm chundering;
• I make these promises drunkenly, freely and upon my dishonor.

x

Transformations (5 minute Poem in lieu of not being bothered to study)

Dear Friend,

Transformations

A creature spins its cocoon,
enchanting, silver beauty shrouding the
peculiar form.
Hidden from scrutiny, protected,
the spirit changes slowly;
but from the outside, it is a mystery.

Over time, the observers watch and
question: what is its fate?
The unyielding exterior and myths of
beautiful, flying sprites beneath
gather hope and excitement around.

The time comes, when the dark blanket
unveils the true form inside. The joy and
anticipation thickens the air as
the true interior is absconded.

But alas, it is a moth.



(This is really shit and was done in 5 minutes, but it's supposed to represent more than just caterpillars, butterflies and moths, if you can remotely understand the deeper meaning)


xxx

What do you hate? [Rant]

Dear Friend,

Hate is a very strong word; but that's okay, because people have very strong emotions. Sometimes strong words like hate or love probably don't even remotely sum up what a person could be feeling, so given it's the closest approximation, I personally don't have a problem using them. By this I don't mean I misuse or disrespect them, but I use them when appropriate and without worrying myself to death about how strong those simple words are. Today, I shall focus on hate.

I hate:

• Trifle

My family love trifle. They fucking love it. To the end of this earth and beyond they will still love that disgusting mess. From an early age, they knew I was unfortunately not of the correct calibre to enjoy such a nauseating treat. Urgh, I am boking right now typing this. For some reason, trifle makes me feel absolutely sick at the mere thought. Jelly = yay! Custard = yay! Sponge = yay! I enjoy them all seperately, but together they make this absolutely vomit-worthy concoction that I cannot remotely fathom why it is enjoyable.

• Feeling tired

Given that I have insomnia and that I have worked 13 hour shifts for a year. Feeling tired is something I am all too familiar with. A little bit of tiredness can be dealt with: a splash of cold water, a coffee, some fresh air do the world of good. However, eventually you get to the stage of tiredness where your brain shuts down. Once you reach this point, it's game over. You could be anywhere and doing anything, but despite all your efforts and logic, your brain decides that you are going to sleep right now. You are willing to do absolutely anything as long as it results in you getting some sleep. All logic, self-control, reasoning and reality goes out of the window and you would even welcome death if it meant you didn't need to be awake anymore. It's a horrible feeling.

• Feeling left out

You know when your Chinese friend invites you to her birthday party and you're the only caucasian person there and every stares at you? They all speak in Mandarin - which you can't understand - and refuse to speak in English, even though they can to let you in to the socialising? After a few lone drinks you go up to someone and try to introduce yourself and say hello in Chinese, but your Chinese is shit and you accidentally call their mother a horse? Then you try again an ask if their mother is a horse? Then you call them a horse? Then you try to ask them if they have a pen and ask them if they're a vagina? Then they all stare at you horrified and start  bitching at a million miles an hour in Cantonese (because they can speak both) just because you might be able to understand Mandarin (even though you just demonstrated you can't: Is your mother a horse? =/= Hello, how are you?). Okay, this might be an extreme example; but you generally get the gist right? Injokes you're not in on etc? 

• Being told what I am, and am not capable of.

It started way back in primary school doing the SRA reading cards during "language" (Later to be called English in secondary school). I was the youngest in the class at 6, while everyone else was 7 or 8 and the teacher decided that based on age I was not capable of progressing to the "top" Language set and must spend a year "learning the alphabet" which I had already learned 3 years previously. The fact I was taking 3 books out of the P6/7 library each day to read when I went home didn't register. It was the fact I was too young to be academically competent. I don't know if you know what SRA reading cards are, but there was a massive box with tons of these cards with a passage and then questions on the passage. There were colours, and the colour indicated the "difficulty" of the card. Everyone started at the bottom and worked their way up, being able to if they got 4 cards all correct out of the 20 in the colour: naturally, the more bright students would progress faster and soon be at the top colours, whereas those who found reading slightly more difficult would progress more slowly to an appropriate level. The system worked, and if they still use it in schools, should still work. However, after doing the ENTIRE bottom colour getting everything correct, the teacher decided that because of my age I wouldn't cope with the next colour and so had to do that entire colour again "But I've already done them all!" "Well then you'll be extra good at them this time." "I already got full marks." "Prove it by doing them again."
This sort of thing happened in every class, so that when we went to secondary school, I was in the bottom "set" for all my classes until the first class test a couple of months in, when the teachers realised I was capable of more and I was moved to the top ones in each.
Though this isn't to mean the secondary teachers let you fulfill your potential. In 6th year when I asked to do 4 Advanced Highers I was told it wasn't permitted and I may not take those 4 courses, but 3 instead. I didn't take no for an answer and signed up to all four behind the Senior Management's back secretly, then three months down the line, they realised what I was doing. I was commanded to drop a subject and concentrate on three, because "you are not capable of doing 4! It's too much of a workload: we recommend 2, maybe 3 at a push, but four is too difficult and you'll nto succeed." After refusing to drop one and sitting all four exams "on my own head be it if I fail" what did I get out of it? As? Yes. Then the school had the cheek to be "Oh, we knew you could do it all along! We're so proud?" What a load of shite.
You'll never be able to progress to a good enough level of flute for your age if you start this late? Sorry? Do I hear young musician zone finals?
When someone tells me I can't do something, it motivates me to prove them wrong, that my entire life what my mother's said to me is true: you can do anything if you put your mind to it - don't let other people tell you you can't.

• People who make fun (in a genuinely malicious way) or are ignorant of the less fortunate.

Call me "noble" or "pretentiously good" or whatever you want, but it is one of the things that infuriates me to no end. One could winter's evening, after a particularly hard day shift at the Royal Vic Hospital having been covered in Winter Vomiting Bug Vomiting and Diarrhoea I was on the bus home. Irritable, tired (almost at that abhorrently tired stage) and cold, I was not in the best mood. My family know this very well - after a 13 hour vomiting elderly day shift, do not fuck with Sean or provoke him in any way. A family get on the bus, with their obviously severely mentally disabled young child in a wheelchair. What happens? The two 14 year old girls in front of me exclaim, "OH MY GOD! LOOK! IT'S A FUCKING MONGO!! EHHHHH! MONGO MONGO MONGO! EUUHGHHGHGH". I think that was one of the moments I was most angry in my entire life. What absolute arseholes. I went absolutely ballistic at them - they didn't take any of it in because they were too bloody ignorant - telling them how disgusting it was that they found such a thing a source of amusement. Eventually I had to get off the bus in fury. I stood there at the bus stop for 15 minutes seething with (probably) actual steam coming out of my ears.
Another example? My flatmate, Evil Claire, had some of her friends from Kirkcaldy over the other week for her birthday. The entire night, they had been sociable, friendly and came across as genuinely nice people. At the end of the night, this lovely idea was shattered into a million pieces. "I was raised racist, so that's how I am and I'm proud of it." Excuse me? What? "I can't change it, I mean, I believe it too. Those fucking foreign cunts shouldny come here and steal aw' our jobs eh? Ken whit a mean?" No, I don't "know" what you mean: they don't steal your jobs because if they get them, it's because they're more qualified. We are in a multicultural society where there is no place for racism. Me: "What problems do you have with them being here really? They're here because back in their home countries, their children might be starving to death on the streets, or dying from malaria? Do you honestly grudge a mother trying to do whatever she can to keep her children alive? Uprooting her whole life to another completely different country to try and do the best for her offspring?" Their response: "Well, aye. If the mother canny afford tae because their country's fucked up, thae kids deserve to die, eh?"
Now, anyone who knows me, knows that children suffering is my button. I'm the kind of person who cries at the unicef adverts and will burst into tears at the thought of a child dying. I'm the kind of person that would jump off a building in an instant if it ensured the protection of a child. Figure how angry I was?

• The feeling that if you didn't make the effort, they probably wouldn't speak to you or even notice your presence.

You know, especially in the internet sense? That 'friend' you have, that will chat (sort of) if you message them, but they'll never message you. You know they're there, but seem completely oblivious to your presence. They say how much they miss you and want to chat more, but when you're there, they don't try, and if you do, you hardly get much apart from one word answers from them. They claim they're "playing a game" or anything like that, when this might be the only time when you get to speak to them because your laptop's broken, or they're in another country. So one time, you wait and see if they try to speak to you; despite your best efforts you wait as a sort of test to see if they do. If they desire your chat as much as you desire theirs. And they don't, clearly. Note above, that 'friend' is now a lost cause.

I can't be bothered typing anything more that I hate because I'm cold (another thing I hate) and my fingers hurt and I need a cigarette.

Ciao bella

Sean

x