Dear Friend,
Any person who has studied biology (or actually has an ounce of common sense) knows that learned behaviours are essential for survival on this earth. If you cut your foot on a piece of glass that one time you walked along the beach barefoot, you'll be unlikely to do it again; if you do, and you get cut again you'll likely never walk barefoot again. When we are hurt by something we learn to avoid it, or at least, be extremely cautious in situations where it could occur. Most people have their one quirky thing like this - what's yours? Mine: Dogs. Reason: I was attacked by one when I was 4. Logical, yes?
However, things stop getting entirely logical when they get human, naturally. The human mind, complex as it is, at some point began to adapt and apply learned behaviours to avoid emotions and emotional pain too. Perhaps the most blatant example of this is cheating... or rather... if you've ever known someone who has been cheated on.
So you're in a relationship - say for the purpose of my point this is your first - and as part of the unspoken rules of a monogamous relationship, you trust your partner. You trust your partner to be there for you, faithful, caring, kind and all of these things undoubtedly. Of course now and then something might give you a doubt but you dispel it as uncalled for paranoia or are so in love - first love: the blindest love - with this person you just can't take it seriously or believe they could ever do anything to hurt you. After all, you know them so well, they wouldn't, couldn't. Isn't life in love fantastic?
A week later when you're sobbing onto your best friend's shoulder, two empty bottles of wine on the table, a chipped front tooth, a broken heart and ex-boyfriend sleeping with someone else, it's an entire different world. When someone cheats on you, they not only steal your dignity, but they also steal something so much more precious. They also steal your ability to trust someone that fully again. You can tell yourself it's a different person, a different situation and a different type of relationship, but you can never entirely get that complete unbounded trust back. A lot of people try to beat the paranoia, fear and internal questioning down inside their head, but when you do, it's something that will eat away at you inside until you're a quivering wreck. It's like a starfish having an arm chopped off: it can regrow, but it's never quite the same as the original. Scar tissue can't be perfect.
Getting over it is a hard and arduous process by which you need something which is very difficult to develop: faith. I'm an atheist and have never believed in any deity: belief without proof is completely illogical to me. Getting that faith in someone else is like trying to force yourself to believe in a god you've got proof probably doesn't exist. You keep trying, but that poisonous memory keeps stabbing you. So you keep trying to forget, and become hardened to the pain. It's all you can do.
Love
Sean
xxx
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