The human right to ramble incoherently.

I stay up late. I drink coffee. I tell myself I'll stay up all night so I can be productive in the normal-world morning. I tell myself I'll have a nutritional and satisfactory breakfast to face the day. I tell myself I'll be productive at night and tidy my room. I tell myself I'll be productive at night and study. I tell myself I'll not waste the night and do lots of things. I tell myself I'll cook breakfast for my family since I'm already up.

Insomnia. Caffeine. Nicotine. Moonlight. Starlight. TV Infomercials. Family Guy Reruns. 

5am. I am still awake. I have not opened any textbooks. I have studied for a total of 5 minutes. I tell myself it's okay because I'll study later. I have the TV on talking about people raiding skips. I have a to-do list I created to procrastinate doing the things. I want to smoke another cigarette. I only have 2 cigarettes left. I tell myself I'll go get some as soon as the corner shop opens. I know I won't - I'll try and get some off my sister.I wonder why I enjoy smoking? I can't put my finger on it; but I conclude it doesn't matter. I wonder if I'll ever stop smoking. I tell myself I will one day; but I'm not sure I will. I light up one of my last 2 cigarettes while I contemplate this. I look in the fridge even though I'm not hungry. I make another coffee. I wonder how many people are coffee people. I wonder how many people are tea people instead. I wonder how many people like neither. I wonder how much money is on my Starbucks card. I wonder if I should get a Starbucks in the morning on my way to the library. I decide that I definitely should. I wonder if I should get a latte or a mocha. I decide I should get a latte. I wonder whether I should get hazelnut, vanilla or peppermint. I remember that vanilla tasted disgusting and decide on peppermint.

Caffeine. Nicotine. Mornings. GrandeSkinny4ShotPeppermintLattePlease. Chronic Procrastination.

I go to the library. I have my Starbucks. I get out all of my books. I go on Facebook. I stalk you. I forget about studying and read BBC News. I shake my head at the student fees protests getting violent. I smile when I read there's a breakthrough in research towards curing a disease. I stop smiling when I realise it's a massive article made out of hardly anything. I see someone I know and speak to them to procrastinate more. I stalk you on Facebook again. I see a friend is now Facebook Official "tiene una relación con .... " and wonder if it's strange I can't put my language back to English because all of the buttons confuse me with their English names. I stalk the new relationship. I get bitter seeing how happy they are. I think about past relationships. I remember being told "you go for sloppy seconds" and get upset because I think they might be right. I wonder what was lies and what was truth. I wonder what's honesty and what's not. I wonder why people say one thing and act in another. I mope around on Facebook before realising that I should be studying and then feel even worse because I'm behind. I go for a cigarette to qualm my emotions. I wonder if I should have a menthol or a normal. I light up a menthol. I instantly regret it because it tastes like shit. I wonder why I even bought them. I wonder why I prefer normal cigarettes now. I wonder why I enjoy smoking? I can't put my finger on it; but I conclude it doesn't matter. I wonder if I'll ever stop smoking. I tell myself I will one day; but I'm not sure I will. I debate this with myself in Spanish and wonder (in Spanish) if I'll ever be able to speak any other languages properly. I check out a 3rd year leaving the library unslyly.

Caffeine. Nicotine. Chronic Procrastination. Joder! Que guapo! Failed Relationships. Boxes of Memories. Burnt Photos. You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. Flies are carriers of disease. 

I go to the health centre. I get more bloods taken. The nurse does it so smoothly. I wonder if she is actually that good, or if I'm just used to it by now. I worry about my hospital referral. I tell myself not to worry about it. I idly feel my lymph nodes and think to them "What are you hiding?" I laugh at myself for trying to telepathically communicate with my own anatomy. I go back to the library. I stalk you on Facebook again. I read people's blogs. I write a blog entry. I wonder if anyone reads my blog. I check my stats. I see lots of people do. I wonder why people never comment. I wonder if it's just that boring? I agree it is. I wonder why so many people read it then? I look at my audience stats. I laugh out loud. A stressed postgrad glares at me. I look at my books. I want to burn them too. I feel lonely. There are 69 people on Facebook chat. I find this amusing. I realise that none of them are the people I want to speak to. I think about you. I sigh. I finally open my books and begin to study. I feel my soul slowly dying...