Dreams

Dear Friend, 

I'm being haunted by my dreams, or to be more precise, nightmares. Not psychological terror nightmares or horrific fear nightmares; but ones that play on my emotions and all that I care about. Every single time I go to sleep, I have these images and horrible situations happening and I can't escape them and wake up in tears. I'm actually scared to go to sleep; because not only do I have to endure these things in my sleep, but some of them are nightmares I'm having to live in right now, and the images of the reality I can barely deal with are infiltrating my every waking moment too. The only times they've not happened recently are when I wasn't sleeping alone. Maybe it's the distraction, or the feeling of being safe and not alone - I don't know. 

But...

Please, make them go away. I don't think I can take them any more. 

Sean 

xxx

Procrastination Meme

5 things currently on my mind:
- I need to pack up all my stuff and take it back to my mum's circa now. But I can't be bothered doing the million bus runs. I live in a silent hope someone will come assist me with an automobile, or an extra pair of arms... volunteers?
- What am I going to do for New Year? Hmmm...
- How did that happen? Where did it come from? I'm quite confused. I mean I kind of thought it could happen at some point, but even then it was a massive shock anyway. It was so, so, wrong of us in every way, except in the way that it felt so right in every way and I don't feel a shred of guilt.. Hm? 
- WHY IS IT SNOWING AGAIN?!?! PLEASE. GIVE IT A BREAK ALREADY.
- I very rarely know which day of the week it is.

5 pet peeves:
- Hypocrisy.
- When people maliciously berate the disabled. 
- When people can speak more languages than me. 
- My laptop's inability to make up its mind whether to be broken or not.
- The existence of marmite.

5 favorite foods:
- Brie and cranberry paninis. .
- Chilli con quorn.
- Tarka Dhal.
- Choco Banana Muller Corners
- Children's Souls.

5 things you cannot live without:
- Coffee.
- Nicotine.
- ATP.
- The internet.
- Compassion and love.

5 things you would wear to a party right now:
- My new turn-down converse.
- My grey polo shirt. 
- My black skinnies
- My new grey CKs.
- My black leather jacket.

5 things you would say to 5 different people:
- Stop worrying and panicking all the time. This is happening to me and I'm dealing with it. I will go to haematology and oncology by myself and I will deal with what I need to do. This is my problem, not yours. Now please let me deal with it. 
- If I ever see that tin of cream again, it will be too soon.  :P  
- <3. That is all.
- The truth's coming out now and it's ugly. Did you really think I'd never find out? 
- I wonder if I'll ever see you again? I hope so.  

5 wishes you could have:
- To be able to change any aspect of my physical body at will while maintaining my own mind.
- To be able to heal anyone of any illness with a touch and concentration..
- Infinite cigarettes.
- 'A bottle of New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc' - stealing this answer~
- 4 Million Pounds. 

5 people you could have:
- This is an embarrassing question.
- 
- 
- 
- 

5 people you envy:
- Toneh.
- Helena Palsson.
- All people who were born in Spain.
- All people in posession of a Mac.
- All people in relationships.

5 favorite colors:
- Azure.
- Turqoise.
- Navy.
- Fuschia.
- Crimson.

5 favorite fictional characters:
- Ash Ketchum. 
- Christina Yang.
- Addison Montgomery Shepherd.
- Lia from No Angels.
- God.

5 fears:
- Dogs.
- Heights.
- Spiders.
- Dying alone. Actually - dying in general.
- Losing the ones I love.

5 words you can’t go without using:
- "Seriously?!?" Meredith Grey Style.
- "Dude!" Blame it on Sascha.
- "lol" Because it's obvious.
- "superfluous" - I use it superfluously. 
- "Tired" - Any attempts to ask how I am would be useless without it. 

5 songs you’re currently addicted to:
- Welcome to Burlesque - Cher 
- Gypsy - Shakira
- Strong Enough - Cher
- Telephone - Lady Gaga
- Quelqu'un m'a dit - Carla Bruni

5 guilty pleasures:
- Tequila.
- Avatar fanfics.
- Camel Cigarettes, even though I can't remotely afford them.
- Facebook Stalking.
- Triplus fineliners.

Walking in a winter wonderland!

Dear Friend,

So Christmas (and exams, unfortunately) are upon us. And naturally, being in Edinburgh, so is Winter Wonderland. Yes, that Mulled Wine, German Market, Overpriced Amusement, Frozen abomination is back. and Jesus Christ I love it.

I was coerced (I say that, but it took about 3 seconds of convincing) into going to it with the lovely Jason and hilarious Rachel. This in itself was a struggle due to the ice absolutely everywhere requiring us to ungracefully glide down the street over the treacherous substance. But in the end it was worth it, as we reached:

The above photo which was taken on the deathly big wheel:

After being on which we (I) decided to show Santa Baby some love:

Then, we got some mulled wine in Winter Wonderland mugs, trawled around the German market "oh, I'd buy that for that person... if everything wasn't so extortionate." Then discovered the most fantastic thing in the world to date:

I know, it looks utterly ridiculous, but it is perhaps the most fun I have ever had in my life. The balls are on a paddling pool of water which provides absolutely no balance or support. So basically you're flailing around in this hamster ball that won't move. We were in there for about 10 minutes, then due to a good bit of hypoxia, all felt sick for about 15 minutes afterwards.


Theeeeeeen. We enjoyed the "ice maze" which looked like it was going to be shit. But turned out to be also fun. The hall of mirrors for a start:

Then upstairs there was a conveyor belt. Which threw us around like no one's business:

THEN we enjoyed some iceskating:

And to top it all off we went for a nice drink. And dared each other to eat coffee beans:

Okay. I'm not going to lie. I made this blog entry to procrastinate from studying for my exam tomorrow, which I am SHITTING MYSELF over.... :(

xxx

The human right to ramble incoherently.

I stay up late. I drink coffee. I tell myself I'll stay up all night so I can be productive in the normal-world morning. I tell myself I'll have a nutritional and satisfactory breakfast to face the day. I tell myself I'll be productive at night and tidy my room. I tell myself I'll be productive at night and study. I tell myself I'll not waste the night and do lots of things. I tell myself I'll cook breakfast for my family since I'm already up.

Insomnia. Caffeine. Nicotine. Moonlight. Starlight. TV Infomercials. Family Guy Reruns. 

5am. I am still awake. I have not opened any textbooks. I have studied for a total of 5 minutes. I tell myself it's okay because I'll study later. I have the TV on talking about people raiding skips. I have a to-do list I created to procrastinate doing the things. I want to smoke another cigarette. I only have 2 cigarettes left. I tell myself I'll go get some as soon as the corner shop opens. I know I won't - I'll try and get some off my sister.I wonder why I enjoy smoking? I can't put my finger on it; but I conclude it doesn't matter. I wonder if I'll ever stop smoking. I tell myself I will one day; but I'm not sure I will. I light up one of my last 2 cigarettes while I contemplate this. I look in the fridge even though I'm not hungry. I make another coffee. I wonder how many people are coffee people. I wonder how many people are tea people instead. I wonder how many people like neither. I wonder how much money is on my Starbucks card. I wonder if I should get a Starbucks in the morning on my way to the library. I decide that I definitely should. I wonder if I should get a latte or a mocha. I decide I should get a latte. I wonder whether I should get hazelnut, vanilla or peppermint. I remember that vanilla tasted disgusting and decide on peppermint.

Caffeine. Nicotine. Mornings. GrandeSkinny4ShotPeppermintLattePlease. Chronic Procrastination.

I go to the library. I have my Starbucks. I get out all of my books. I go on Facebook. I stalk you. I forget about studying and read BBC News. I shake my head at the student fees protests getting violent. I smile when I read there's a breakthrough in research towards curing a disease. I stop smiling when I realise it's a massive article made out of hardly anything. I see someone I know and speak to them to procrastinate more. I stalk you on Facebook again. I see a friend is now Facebook Official "tiene una relación con .... " and wonder if it's strange I can't put my language back to English because all of the buttons confuse me with their English names. I stalk the new relationship. I get bitter seeing how happy they are. I think about past relationships. I remember being told "you go for sloppy seconds" and get upset because I think they might be right. I wonder what was lies and what was truth. I wonder what's honesty and what's not. I wonder why people say one thing and act in another. I mope around on Facebook before realising that I should be studying and then feel even worse because I'm behind. I go for a cigarette to qualm my emotions. I wonder if I should have a menthol or a normal. I light up a menthol. I instantly regret it because it tastes like shit. I wonder why I even bought them. I wonder why I prefer normal cigarettes now. I wonder why I enjoy smoking? I can't put my finger on it; but I conclude it doesn't matter. I wonder if I'll ever stop smoking. I tell myself I will one day; but I'm not sure I will. I debate this with myself in Spanish and wonder (in Spanish) if I'll ever be able to speak any other languages properly. I check out a 3rd year leaving the library unslyly.

Caffeine. Nicotine. Chronic Procrastination. Joder! Que guapo! Failed Relationships. Boxes of Memories. Burnt Photos. You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. Flies are carriers of disease. 

I go to the health centre. I get more bloods taken. The nurse does it so smoothly. I wonder if she is actually that good, or if I'm just used to it by now. I worry about my hospital referral. I tell myself not to worry about it. I idly feel my lymph nodes and think to them "What are you hiding?" I laugh at myself for trying to telepathically communicate with my own anatomy. I go back to the library. I stalk you on Facebook again. I read people's blogs. I write a blog entry. I wonder if anyone reads my blog. I check my stats. I see lots of people do. I wonder why people never comment. I wonder if it's just that boring? I agree it is. I wonder why so many people read it then? I look at my audience stats. I laugh out loud. A stressed postgrad glares at me. I look at my books. I want to burn them too. I feel lonely. There are 69 people on Facebook chat. I find this amusing. I realise that none of them are the people I want to speak to. I think about you. I sigh. I finally open my books and begin to study. I feel my soul slowly dying...

Thursday Thanks - as a closure to 10 days for 10 things

Dear Friend,

So, I've done the 10 days for 10 things meme:

Day1

Day 2

Day 3

Day 4

Day 5

Day 6

Day 7

Day 8

Day 9

Day 10

and it was kind of interesting; though hardly the most riveting blog meme I've ever done. It gave out a lot (Perhaps at times too much) of info about me for those fine few who actually read my blog. So this is my post to say thank you to those of you who put up with my absolute drivel for whatever reason that be (pressure from me, free will - unlikely, or further coercement).


Also, I'd like to take the opportunity to have a little question time. If there's anything you'd like to know that I didn't cover in the blog, feel free to comment and I'll get back to you. (I doubt anyone will, but I'll give you the option)


Peace

xxx

10 things for 10 Days - day 10

Day 01: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day 02: Nine things about yourself.
Day 03: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day 04: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day 05: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day 06: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day 07: Four turn offs.
Day 08: Three turn ons.
Day 09: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day 10: One confession.




1. The first person to comment on this blog, if anyone does, gets my confession. 

10 Things for 10 Days - day 9

Day 01: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day 02: Nine things about yourself.
Day 03: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day 04: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day 05: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day 06: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day 07: Four turn offs.
Day 08: Three turn ons.
Day 09: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day 10: One confession.






1. ^(n.n)^  ♪♪


2. </3

Nightmares

Dear Friend,

Do you have nightmares? Those ones that fill you with absolute horror and fear and you wake up crying after? If you don't, then you're a pathetic excuse for a human being. If I have those nightmares so should you and so should everyone else. What's one of your worst nightmares? I have a few:


One is that I have a range of strange and unexplained symptoms. They all seem really silly things, so I ignore them for quite a long time: weeks, months. It might start out with a lump on the top of my mouth that I think's silly and ignore completely as normal; then a fever and swollen lymph nodes, that I pass off as tonsilitis; then a fever and swollen lymph nodes again, that I pass off at more tonsilitis; then a fever and swollen lymph nodes that I pass off as tonsilitis yet again irritatedly, ignoring the fact I *never* get tonsilitis; then swollen lymph nodes under my arms, that I pass off as maybe upcoming abscesses that never materialise, even though I never get abscesses; then swollen lymph nodes under my arms again that I pass off as perhaps whatever "that was" before; then more swollen lymph nodes that I pass off as tonsilitis; then the lymph nodes continue swollen even when not painful; then my back aches, which I pass off as bad posture; then I get a cough that I pass off as just a smokers' cough; then I lose 2 stone in a couple of months, that I attribute to moving to university, even though with a few days here and there, I have been eating exactly the same as I did over my gap year and have been exercising maybe even less than before; then I get night sweats where I wake up drenched in sweat, that I attribute to my night terrors; then I have absolutely no energy at all, which I attribute to everything going on in my life socially; and then and only then do I go to the doctor.

Before I go to the doctor, I look up my symptoms in a medical textbook and start to scare myself, so I put the textbook away. When I go to the doctor, I expect her to diagnose me with anaemia again or some sort of chest infection and send me away with antibiotics; but she does the examinations instantly they mentioned in the medical textbook. I start to get scared as she examines all of my lymph nodes, pointing out concern with quite a few, making concerned faces while examining several organs which I didn't know were tender, and then even more so when she starts questioning my family history of cancers. She then tells me she would like to do certain blood tests (ones that would be initial tests for what I saw in the medical textbook) then come back to see her in 3 days to discuss the results and "go for a chest x-ray, be referred to haematology and 'perhaps something else too, but we'll not worry about that just now, we'll talk about it on Friday'" and then the nurse taking the blood looks and looks me up and down after seeing what she's needing to take and sighs.

Then I go home and cry.

Nightmare are nightmares. We wake up and laugh at ourselves for believing them.

But, sometimes, when you wake up, you wake up to your worst nightmare. Do you know how that feels? Awful, I'd say.



xxx

10 Things for 10 Days - day 8

Day 01: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day 02: Nine things about yourself.
Day 03: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day 04: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day 05: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day 06: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day 07: Four turn offs.
Day 08: Three turn ons.
Day 09: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day 10: One confession.






1. A genuine, bright and beautiful smile. All day, from morning till night. 


2. A fiery passion for life and the things in it, especially me.


3. A big dick. Not essential, but a turn on. I'm not going to lie to you. 




xxx 

10 Things for 10 Days - day 7

Day 01: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day 02: Nine things about yourself.
Day 03: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day 04: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day 05: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day 06: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day 07: Four turn offs.
Day 08: Three turn ons.
Day 09: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day 10: One confession.




1. Promiscuity. By this I don't mean only the obvious meaning of the world. You've slept with 485798749 people? Ew, obviously. But More, the idea of you sleeping with anyone else around any timeframe that I have so much as kissed you is a massive disgust factor, like nausea inducing. Perhaps it's because I'm quite a jealous person, or perhaps that I am very fragile; but it doesn't matter either way, it still absolutely disgusts me. If you sleep with someone and we start dating like 2 days after and I find out (although you've done nothing at all wrong) I am completely put off, and also the converse is true, if we stop seeing each other and you sleep with someone like the day after, I am massively repulsed. In that case not only for the aforementioned reasons, because I feel absolutely horrified that I mean so 'little' as that. 


2. Pretentiousness in order to achieve self-importance. Those people are so up themsevles there is no room for me to be up them. Avoid like the plague. 


3. Campness. I mean a "Bit floppy hands" is okay, because I certainly don't like complete pressured over-masculinity. But at the same time, I want a man, none of this horrendously cringe-worthy, nausea-inducing display of complete and utter twattery. 


4. Being shorter than me or younger than me. Even if you're like 2 months younger than me, or a month, or a week, or a day, it wouldn't matter. I would still feel a little bit creeped out... like some sort of pedo. Which is absolutely ridiculous, but I can't help it. 




xxx

10 Things for 10 Days - day 6

Day 01: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day 02: Nine things about yourself.
Day 03: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day 04: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day 05: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day 06: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day 07: Four turn offs.
Day 08: Three turn ons.
Day 09: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day 10: One confession.




1. My mum, Moira Kernan


2. My sister, Lisa Kernan


3. My oldest friend (since the age of 4), Leia Stoddart


4. Sinead (Nancy) Russell. I am one of only 2 allowed to call her Sinead. 


5. You. 

10 Things for 10 Days - day 5

Day 01: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day 02: Nine things about yourself.
Day 03: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day 04: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day 05: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day 06: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day 07: Four turn offs.
Day 08: Three turn ons.
Day 09: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day 10: One confession.




1. I wish I'd never gone to look for tadpoles at the pond in Vogrie when I was five. My mum wasn't paying attention and I was away looking at the tadpoles and damselflies fascinated when my sister fell in and almost drowned. It was my fault - I should have been looking out for her - and if anything had ever happened to her I would never have been able to forgive myself. Even at that age. 


2. I wish I'd never started smoking. Don't get me wrong - I love smoking and almost every aspect of it; but I am addicted. Dependent on a substance for contentment, and that goes against everything I like to think I am. 


3. I wish I'd never said yes that first time, or that second time. 


4. I wish I'd never listened to the things you said to me, or at the very least I wish I hadn't believed them when you said them. Those comments left a massive scar, one that still hasn't healed. 


5. I wish I'd never learned how to use psychological warfare over physical violence with you. I wish I hadn't learned how to make you cry within 30 seconds, and I wish I hadn't ever used it in an argument with you. I am so sorry. 


6. I wish I'd never trusted you. 




xxx

10 Things for 10 Days - day 4

Day 01: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day 02: Nine things about yourself.
Day 03: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day 04: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day 05: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day 06: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day 07: Four turn offs.
Day 08: Three turn ons.
Day 09: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day 10: One confession.






1.What's going to happen when I die? I'm an atheist agnostic, and so naturally, I don't know. The most likely scenario - though unpalatable - to me is that I will die and that will be it. Memories? Gone. Life? Gone. Consciousness? Gone. Myself? Gone. That my entire life and my entire being will just disappear in a split second and may as well have never existed because I wouldn't know I have anyway - because I don't exist. Dying is my worst fear for this reason: all my good amazing memories of all the good amazing people I have met and all the good amazing things I've done disappear, never to return. I don't exist. I live very much in my mind, so to have that one thing taken away from me terrifies me. 


2. If I were to be in a traffic accident tomorrow and end up in an extended coma - say a few weeks - and the doctors say they don't think I'll make it. When I do wake up that day in the hospital, who will be there? Who cares the most? Who would be holding my hand, tears of happiness in their eyes as I come to? My mum and my family would be there - at least doing shifts by my bedside - I know that and don't doubt it for a second. But who else? Who else would drop everything and come to my side? Who truly would care? 


3. What if pokémon existed??


4. Where will the world be in 100 years? What'll happen to society? Will humans still be here? Will we be at peace? Will we be at war? Will we be on earth? Will we know other sentient species? Will we be living underwater? Where will the world be in 100,000 years? Will we still be homo sapiens sapiens? Where will evolution take us? Will we have even evolved? Where will medicine be? What will we have invented? Where will the world be in 100 million years? What new creatures will have evolved? Etc, etc. Ad infinitum. 


5. When I am old and frail and dying (if I am old and frail when I die), who will my family be? Will I have children like I always wanted? Will I be married? Will I be widowed? Will my children visit me in my old folks home? When I look back on my life, will it be full of regret, or full of satisfaction? 


6. The colours I see, are those the same colours everyone else sees? Is blue to me the same blue as for someone else? In fact, do other people even see colour in the same effect that I do? 


7. What if I'd done X, Y and Z instead of A, B and C? How would my life be different? 






xxx