Dreams

Dear Friend, 

I'm being haunted by my dreams, or to be more precise, nightmares. Not psychological terror nightmares or horrific fear nightmares; but ones that play on my emotions and all that I care about. Every single time I go to sleep, I have these images and horrible situations happening and I can't escape them and wake up in tears. I'm actually scared to go to sleep; because not only do I have to endure these things in my sleep, but some of them are nightmares I'm having to live in right now, and the images of the reality I can barely deal with are infiltrating my every waking moment too. The only times they've not happened recently are when I wasn't sleeping alone. Maybe it's the distraction, or the feeling of being safe and not alone - I don't know. 

But...

Please, make them go away. I don't think I can take them any more. 

Sean 

xxx

Procrastination Meme

5 things currently on my mind:
- I need to pack up all my stuff and take it back to my mum's circa now. But I can't be bothered doing the million bus runs. I live in a silent hope someone will come assist me with an automobile, or an extra pair of arms... volunteers?
- What am I going to do for New Year? Hmmm...
- How did that happen? Where did it come from? I'm quite confused. I mean I kind of thought it could happen at some point, but even then it was a massive shock anyway. It was so, so, wrong of us in every way, except in the way that it felt so right in every way and I don't feel a shred of guilt.. Hm? 
- WHY IS IT SNOWING AGAIN?!?! PLEASE. GIVE IT A BREAK ALREADY.
- I very rarely know which day of the week it is.

5 pet peeves:
- Hypocrisy.
- When people maliciously berate the disabled. 
- When people can speak more languages than me. 
- My laptop's inability to make up its mind whether to be broken or not.
- The existence of marmite.

5 favorite foods:
- Brie and cranberry paninis. .
- Chilli con quorn.
- Tarka Dhal.
- Choco Banana Muller Corners
- Children's Souls.

5 things you cannot live without:
- Coffee.
- Nicotine.
- ATP.
- The internet.
- Compassion and love.

5 things you would wear to a party right now:
- My new turn-down converse.
- My grey polo shirt. 
- My black skinnies
- My new grey CKs.
- My black leather jacket.

5 things you would say to 5 different people:
- Stop worrying and panicking all the time. This is happening to me and I'm dealing with it. I will go to haematology and oncology by myself and I will deal with what I need to do. This is my problem, not yours. Now please let me deal with it. 
- If I ever see that tin of cream again, it will be too soon.  :P  
- <3. That is all.
- The truth's coming out now and it's ugly. Did you really think I'd never find out? 
- I wonder if I'll ever see you again? I hope so.  

5 wishes you could have:
- To be able to change any aspect of my physical body at will while maintaining my own mind.
- To be able to heal anyone of any illness with a touch and concentration..
- Infinite cigarettes.
- 'A bottle of New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc' - stealing this answer~
- 4 Million Pounds. 

5 people you could have:
- This is an embarrassing question.
- 
- 
- 
- 

5 people you envy:
- Toneh.
- Helena Palsson.
- All people who were born in Spain.
- All people in posession of a Mac.
- All people in relationships.

5 favorite colors:
- Azure.
- Turqoise.
- Navy.
- Fuschia.
- Crimson.

5 favorite fictional characters:
- Ash Ketchum. 
- Christina Yang.
- Addison Montgomery Shepherd.
- Lia from No Angels.
- God.

5 fears:
- Dogs.
- Heights.
- Spiders.
- Dying alone. Actually - dying in general.
- Losing the ones I love.

5 words you can’t go without using:
- "Seriously?!?" Meredith Grey Style.
- "Dude!" Blame it on Sascha.
- "lol" Because it's obvious.
- "superfluous" - I use it superfluously. 
- "Tired" - Any attempts to ask how I am would be useless without it. 

5 songs you’re currently addicted to:
- Welcome to Burlesque - Cher 
- Gypsy - Shakira
- Strong Enough - Cher
- Telephone - Lady Gaga
- Quelqu'un m'a dit - Carla Bruni

5 guilty pleasures:
- Tequila.
- Avatar fanfics.
- Camel Cigarettes, even though I can't remotely afford them.
- Facebook Stalking.
- Triplus fineliners.

Walking in a winter wonderland!

Dear Friend,

So Christmas (and exams, unfortunately) are upon us. And naturally, being in Edinburgh, so is Winter Wonderland. Yes, that Mulled Wine, German Market, Overpriced Amusement, Frozen abomination is back. and Jesus Christ I love it.

I was coerced (I say that, but it took about 3 seconds of convincing) into going to it with the lovely Jason and hilarious Rachel. This in itself was a struggle due to the ice absolutely everywhere requiring us to ungracefully glide down the street over the treacherous substance. But in the end it was worth it, as we reached:

The above photo which was taken on the deathly big wheel:

After being on which we (I) decided to show Santa Baby some love:

Then, we got some mulled wine in Winter Wonderland mugs, trawled around the German market "oh, I'd buy that for that person... if everything wasn't so extortionate." Then discovered the most fantastic thing in the world to date:

I know, it looks utterly ridiculous, but it is perhaps the most fun I have ever had in my life. The balls are on a paddling pool of water which provides absolutely no balance or support. So basically you're flailing around in this hamster ball that won't move. We were in there for about 10 minutes, then due to a good bit of hypoxia, all felt sick for about 15 minutes afterwards.


Theeeeeeen. We enjoyed the "ice maze" which looked like it was going to be shit. But turned out to be also fun. The hall of mirrors for a start:

Then upstairs there was a conveyor belt. Which threw us around like no one's business:

THEN we enjoyed some iceskating:

And to top it all off we went for a nice drink. And dared each other to eat coffee beans:

Okay. I'm not going to lie. I made this blog entry to procrastinate from studying for my exam tomorrow, which I am SHITTING MYSELF over.... :(

xxx

The human right to ramble incoherently.

I stay up late. I drink coffee. I tell myself I'll stay up all night so I can be productive in the normal-world morning. I tell myself I'll have a nutritional and satisfactory breakfast to face the day. I tell myself I'll be productive at night and tidy my room. I tell myself I'll be productive at night and study. I tell myself I'll not waste the night and do lots of things. I tell myself I'll cook breakfast for my family since I'm already up.

Insomnia. Caffeine. Nicotine. Moonlight. Starlight. TV Infomercials. Family Guy Reruns. 

5am. I am still awake. I have not opened any textbooks. I have studied for a total of 5 minutes. I tell myself it's okay because I'll study later. I have the TV on talking about people raiding skips. I have a to-do list I created to procrastinate doing the things. I want to smoke another cigarette. I only have 2 cigarettes left. I tell myself I'll go get some as soon as the corner shop opens. I know I won't - I'll try and get some off my sister.I wonder why I enjoy smoking? I can't put my finger on it; but I conclude it doesn't matter. I wonder if I'll ever stop smoking. I tell myself I will one day; but I'm not sure I will. I light up one of my last 2 cigarettes while I contemplate this. I look in the fridge even though I'm not hungry. I make another coffee. I wonder how many people are coffee people. I wonder how many people are tea people instead. I wonder how many people like neither. I wonder how much money is on my Starbucks card. I wonder if I should get a Starbucks in the morning on my way to the library. I decide that I definitely should. I wonder if I should get a latte or a mocha. I decide I should get a latte. I wonder whether I should get hazelnut, vanilla or peppermint. I remember that vanilla tasted disgusting and decide on peppermint.

Caffeine. Nicotine. Mornings. GrandeSkinny4ShotPeppermintLattePlease. Chronic Procrastination.

I go to the library. I have my Starbucks. I get out all of my books. I go on Facebook. I stalk you. I forget about studying and read BBC News. I shake my head at the student fees protests getting violent. I smile when I read there's a breakthrough in research towards curing a disease. I stop smiling when I realise it's a massive article made out of hardly anything. I see someone I know and speak to them to procrastinate more. I stalk you on Facebook again. I see a friend is now Facebook Official "tiene una relación con .... " and wonder if it's strange I can't put my language back to English because all of the buttons confuse me with their English names. I stalk the new relationship. I get bitter seeing how happy they are. I think about past relationships. I remember being told "you go for sloppy seconds" and get upset because I think they might be right. I wonder what was lies and what was truth. I wonder what's honesty and what's not. I wonder why people say one thing and act in another. I mope around on Facebook before realising that I should be studying and then feel even worse because I'm behind. I go for a cigarette to qualm my emotions. I wonder if I should have a menthol or a normal. I light up a menthol. I instantly regret it because it tastes like shit. I wonder why I even bought them. I wonder why I prefer normal cigarettes now. I wonder why I enjoy smoking? I can't put my finger on it; but I conclude it doesn't matter. I wonder if I'll ever stop smoking. I tell myself I will one day; but I'm not sure I will. I debate this with myself in Spanish and wonder (in Spanish) if I'll ever be able to speak any other languages properly. I check out a 3rd year leaving the library unslyly.

Caffeine. Nicotine. Chronic Procrastination. Joder! Que guapo! Failed Relationships. Boxes of Memories. Burnt Photos. You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. Flies are carriers of disease. 

I go to the health centre. I get more bloods taken. The nurse does it so smoothly. I wonder if she is actually that good, or if I'm just used to it by now. I worry about my hospital referral. I tell myself not to worry about it. I idly feel my lymph nodes and think to them "What are you hiding?" I laugh at myself for trying to telepathically communicate with my own anatomy. I go back to the library. I stalk you on Facebook again. I read people's blogs. I write a blog entry. I wonder if anyone reads my blog. I check my stats. I see lots of people do. I wonder why people never comment. I wonder if it's just that boring? I agree it is. I wonder why so many people read it then? I look at my audience stats. I laugh out loud. A stressed postgrad glares at me. I look at my books. I want to burn them too. I feel lonely. There are 69 people on Facebook chat. I find this amusing. I realise that none of them are the people I want to speak to. I think about you. I sigh. I finally open my books and begin to study. I feel my soul slowly dying...

Thursday Thanks - as a closure to 10 days for 10 things

Dear Friend,

So, I've done the 10 days for 10 things meme:

Day1

Day 2

Day 3

Day 4

Day 5

Day 6

Day 7

Day 8

Day 9

Day 10

and it was kind of interesting; though hardly the most riveting blog meme I've ever done. It gave out a lot (Perhaps at times too much) of info about me for those fine few who actually read my blog. So this is my post to say thank you to those of you who put up with my absolute drivel for whatever reason that be (pressure from me, free will - unlikely, or further coercement).


Also, I'd like to take the opportunity to have a little question time. If there's anything you'd like to know that I didn't cover in the blog, feel free to comment and I'll get back to you. (I doubt anyone will, but I'll give you the option)


Peace

xxx

10 things for 10 Days - day 10

Day 01: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day 02: Nine things about yourself.
Day 03: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day 04: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day 05: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day 06: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day 07: Four turn offs.
Day 08: Three turn ons.
Day 09: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day 10: One confession.




1. The first person to comment on this blog, if anyone does, gets my confession. 

10 Things for 10 Days - day 9

Day 01: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day 02: Nine things about yourself.
Day 03: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day 04: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day 05: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day 06: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day 07: Four turn offs.
Day 08: Three turn ons.
Day 09: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day 10: One confession.






1. ^(n.n)^  ♪♪


2. </3