Dreams

Dear Friend, 

I'm being haunted by my dreams, or to be more precise, nightmares. Not psychological terror nightmares or horrific fear nightmares; but ones that play on my emotions and all that I care about. Every single time I go to sleep, I have these images and horrible situations happening and I can't escape them and wake up in tears. I'm actually scared to go to sleep; because not only do I have to endure these things in my sleep, but some of them are nightmares I'm having to live in right now, and the images of the reality I can barely deal with are infiltrating my every waking moment too. The only times they've not happened recently are when I wasn't sleeping alone. Maybe it's the distraction, or the feeling of being safe and not alone - I don't know. 

But...

Please, make them go away. I don't think I can take them any more. 

Sean 

xxx

Procrastination Meme

5 things currently on my mind:
- I need to pack up all my stuff and take it back to my mum's circa now. But I can't be bothered doing the million bus runs. I live in a silent hope someone will come assist me with an automobile, or an extra pair of arms... volunteers?
- What am I going to do for New Year? Hmmm...
- How did that happen? Where did it come from? I'm quite confused. I mean I kind of thought it could happen at some point, but even then it was a massive shock anyway. It was so, so, wrong of us in every way, except in the way that it felt so right in every way and I don't feel a shred of guilt.. Hm? 
- WHY IS IT SNOWING AGAIN?!?! PLEASE. GIVE IT A BREAK ALREADY.
- I very rarely know which day of the week it is.

5 pet peeves:
- Hypocrisy.
- When people maliciously berate the disabled. 
- When people can speak more languages than me. 
- My laptop's inability to make up its mind whether to be broken or not.
- The existence of marmite.

5 favorite foods:
- Brie and cranberry paninis. .
- Chilli con quorn.
- Tarka Dhal.
- Choco Banana Muller Corners
- Children's Souls.

5 things you cannot live without:
- Coffee.
- Nicotine.
- ATP.
- The internet.
- Compassion and love.

5 things you would wear to a party right now:
- My new turn-down converse.
- My grey polo shirt. 
- My black skinnies
- My new grey CKs.
- My black leather jacket.

5 things you would say to 5 different people:
- Stop worrying and panicking all the time. This is happening to me and I'm dealing with it. I will go to haematology and oncology by myself and I will deal with what I need to do. This is my problem, not yours. Now please let me deal with it. 
- If I ever see that tin of cream again, it will be too soon.  :P  
- <3. That is all.
- The truth's coming out now and it's ugly. Did you really think I'd never find out? 
- I wonder if I'll ever see you again? I hope so.  

5 wishes you could have:
- To be able to change any aspect of my physical body at will while maintaining my own mind.
- To be able to heal anyone of any illness with a touch and concentration..
- Infinite cigarettes.
- 'A bottle of New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc' - stealing this answer~
- 4 Million Pounds. 

5 people you could have:
- This is an embarrassing question.
- 
- 
- 
- 

5 people you envy:
- Toneh.
- Helena Palsson.
- All people who were born in Spain.
- All people in posession of a Mac.
- All people in relationships.

5 favorite colors:
- Azure.
- Turqoise.
- Navy.
- Fuschia.
- Crimson.

5 favorite fictional characters:
- Ash Ketchum. 
- Christina Yang.
- Addison Montgomery Shepherd.
- Lia from No Angels.
- God.

5 fears:
- Dogs.
- Heights.
- Spiders.
- Dying alone. Actually - dying in general.
- Losing the ones I love.

5 words you can’t go without using:
- "Seriously?!?" Meredith Grey Style.
- "Dude!" Blame it on Sascha.
- "lol" Because it's obvious.
- "superfluous" - I use it superfluously. 
- "Tired" - Any attempts to ask how I am would be useless without it. 

5 songs you’re currently addicted to:
- Welcome to Burlesque - Cher 
- Gypsy - Shakira
- Strong Enough - Cher
- Telephone - Lady Gaga
- Quelqu'un m'a dit - Carla Bruni

5 guilty pleasures:
- Tequila.
- Avatar fanfics.
- Camel Cigarettes, even though I can't remotely afford them.
- Facebook Stalking.
- Triplus fineliners.

Walking in a winter wonderland!

Dear Friend,

So Christmas (and exams, unfortunately) are upon us. And naturally, being in Edinburgh, so is Winter Wonderland. Yes, that Mulled Wine, German Market, Overpriced Amusement, Frozen abomination is back. and Jesus Christ I love it.

I was coerced (I say that, but it took about 3 seconds of convincing) into going to it with the lovely Jason and hilarious Rachel. This in itself was a struggle due to the ice absolutely everywhere requiring us to ungracefully glide down the street over the treacherous substance. But in the end it was worth it, as we reached:

The above photo which was taken on the deathly big wheel:

After being on which we (I) decided to show Santa Baby some love:

Then, we got some mulled wine in Winter Wonderland mugs, trawled around the German market "oh, I'd buy that for that person... if everything wasn't so extortionate." Then discovered the most fantastic thing in the world to date:

I know, it looks utterly ridiculous, but it is perhaps the most fun I have ever had in my life. The balls are on a paddling pool of water which provides absolutely no balance or support. So basically you're flailing around in this hamster ball that won't move. We were in there for about 10 minutes, then due to a good bit of hypoxia, all felt sick for about 15 minutes afterwards.


Theeeeeeen. We enjoyed the "ice maze" which looked like it was going to be shit. But turned out to be also fun. The hall of mirrors for a start:

Then upstairs there was a conveyor belt. Which threw us around like no one's business:

THEN we enjoyed some iceskating:

And to top it all off we went for a nice drink. And dared each other to eat coffee beans:

Okay. I'm not going to lie. I made this blog entry to procrastinate from studying for my exam tomorrow, which I am SHITTING MYSELF over.... :(

xxx

The human right to ramble incoherently.

I stay up late. I drink coffee. I tell myself I'll stay up all night so I can be productive in the normal-world morning. I tell myself I'll have a nutritional and satisfactory breakfast to face the day. I tell myself I'll be productive at night and tidy my room. I tell myself I'll be productive at night and study. I tell myself I'll not waste the night and do lots of things. I tell myself I'll cook breakfast for my family since I'm already up.

Insomnia. Caffeine. Nicotine. Moonlight. Starlight. TV Infomercials. Family Guy Reruns. 

5am. I am still awake. I have not opened any textbooks. I have studied for a total of 5 minutes. I tell myself it's okay because I'll study later. I have the TV on talking about people raiding skips. I have a to-do list I created to procrastinate doing the things. I want to smoke another cigarette. I only have 2 cigarettes left. I tell myself I'll go get some as soon as the corner shop opens. I know I won't - I'll try and get some off my sister.I wonder why I enjoy smoking? I can't put my finger on it; but I conclude it doesn't matter. I wonder if I'll ever stop smoking. I tell myself I will one day; but I'm not sure I will. I light up one of my last 2 cigarettes while I contemplate this. I look in the fridge even though I'm not hungry. I make another coffee. I wonder how many people are coffee people. I wonder how many people are tea people instead. I wonder how many people like neither. I wonder how much money is on my Starbucks card. I wonder if I should get a Starbucks in the morning on my way to the library. I decide that I definitely should. I wonder if I should get a latte or a mocha. I decide I should get a latte. I wonder whether I should get hazelnut, vanilla or peppermint. I remember that vanilla tasted disgusting and decide on peppermint.

Caffeine. Nicotine. Mornings. GrandeSkinny4ShotPeppermintLattePlease. Chronic Procrastination.

I go to the library. I have my Starbucks. I get out all of my books. I go on Facebook. I stalk you. I forget about studying and read BBC News. I shake my head at the student fees protests getting violent. I smile when I read there's a breakthrough in research towards curing a disease. I stop smiling when I realise it's a massive article made out of hardly anything. I see someone I know and speak to them to procrastinate more. I stalk you on Facebook again. I see a friend is now Facebook Official "tiene una relación con .... " and wonder if it's strange I can't put my language back to English because all of the buttons confuse me with their English names. I stalk the new relationship. I get bitter seeing how happy they are. I think about past relationships. I remember being told "you go for sloppy seconds" and get upset because I think they might be right. I wonder what was lies and what was truth. I wonder what's honesty and what's not. I wonder why people say one thing and act in another. I mope around on Facebook before realising that I should be studying and then feel even worse because I'm behind. I go for a cigarette to qualm my emotions. I wonder if I should have a menthol or a normal. I light up a menthol. I instantly regret it because it tastes like shit. I wonder why I even bought them. I wonder why I prefer normal cigarettes now. I wonder why I enjoy smoking? I can't put my finger on it; but I conclude it doesn't matter. I wonder if I'll ever stop smoking. I tell myself I will one day; but I'm not sure I will. I debate this with myself in Spanish and wonder (in Spanish) if I'll ever be able to speak any other languages properly. I check out a 3rd year leaving the library unslyly.

Caffeine. Nicotine. Chronic Procrastination. Joder! Que guapo! Failed Relationships. Boxes of Memories. Burnt Photos. You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. Flies are carriers of disease. 

I go to the health centre. I get more bloods taken. The nurse does it so smoothly. I wonder if she is actually that good, or if I'm just used to it by now. I worry about my hospital referral. I tell myself not to worry about it. I idly feel my lymph nodes and think to them "What are you hiding?" I laugh at myself for trying to telepathically communicate with my own anatomy. I go back to the library. I stalk you on Facebook again. I read people's blogs. I write a blog entry. I wonder if anyone reads my blog. I check my stats. I see lots of people do. I wonder why people never comment. I wonder if it's just that boring? I agree it is. I wonder why so many people read it then? I look at my audience stats. I laugh out loud. A stressed postgrad glares at me. I look at my books. I want to burn them too. I feel lonely. There are 69 people on Facebook chat. I find this amusing. I realise that none of them are the people I want to speak to. I think about you. I sigh. I finally open my books and begin to study. I feel my soul slowly dying...

Thursday Thanks - as a closure to 10 days for 10 things

Dear Friend,

So, I've done the 10 days for 10 things meme:

Day1

Day 2

Day 3

Day 4

Day 5

Day 6

Day 7

Day 8

Day 9

Day 10

and it was kind of interesting; though hardly the most riveting blog meme I've ever done. It gave out a lot (Perhaps at times too much) of info about me for those fine few who actually read my blog. So this is my post to say thank you to those of you who put up with my absolute drivel for whatever reason that be (pressure from me, free will - unlikely, or further coercement).


Also, I'd like to take the opportunity to have a little question time. If there's anything you'd like to know that I didn't cover in the blog, feel free to comment and I'll get back to you. (I doubt anyone will, but I'll give you the option)


Peace

xxx

10 things for 10 Days - day 10

Day 01: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day 02: Nine things about yourself.
Day 03: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day 04: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day 05: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day 06: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day 07: Four turn offs.
Day 08: Three turn ons.
Day 09: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day 10: One confession.




1. The first person to comment on this blog, if anyone does, gets my confession. 

10 Things for 10 Days - day 9

Day 01: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day 02: Nine things about yourself.
Day 03: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day 04: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day 05: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day 06: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day 07: Four turn offs.
Day 08: Three turn ons.
Day 09: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day 10: One confession.






1. ^(n.n)^  ♪♪


2. </3

Nightmares

Dear Friend,

Do you have nightmares? Those ones that fill you with absolute horror and fear and you wake up crying after? If you don't, then you're a pathetic excuse for a human being. If I have those nightmares so should you and so should everyone else. What's one of your worst nightmares? I have a few:


One is that I have a range of strange and unexplained symptoms. They all seem really silly things, so I ignore them for quite a long time: weeks, months. It might start out with a lump on the top of my mouth that I think's silly and ignore completely as normal; then a fever and swollen lymph nodes, that I pass off as tonsilitis; then a fever and swollen lymph nodes again, that I pass off at more tonsilitis; then a fever and swollen lymph nodes that I pass off as tonsilitis yet again irritatedly, ignoring the fact I *never* get tonsilitis; then swollen lymph nodes under my arms, that I pass off as maybe upcoming abscesses that never materialise, even though I never get abscesses; then swollen lymph nodes under my arms again that I pass off as perhaps whatever "that was" before; then more swollen lymph nodes that I pass off as tonsilitis; then the lymph nodes continue swollen even when not painful; then my back aches, which I pass off as bad posture; then I get a cough that I pass off as just a smokers' cough; then I lose 2 stone in a couple of months, that I attribute to moving to university, even though with a few days here and there, I have been eating exactly the same as I did over my gap year and have been exercising maybe even less than before; then I get night sweats where I wake up drenched in sweat, that I attribute to my night terrors; then I have absolutely no energy at all, which I attribute to everything going on in my life socially; and then and only then do I go to the doctor.

Before I go to the doctor, I look up my symptoms in a medical textbook and start to scare myself, so I put the textbook away. When I go to the doctor, I expect her to diagnose me with anaemia again or some sort of chest infection and send me away with antibiotics; but she does the examinations instantly they mentioned in the medical textbook. I start to get scared as she examines all of my lymph nodes, pointing out concern with quite a few, making concerned faces while examining several organs which I didn't know were tender, and then even more so when she starts questioning my family history of cancers. She then tells me she would like to do certain blood tests (ones that would be initial tests for what I saw in the medical textbook) then come back to see her in 3 days to discuss the results and "go for a chest x-ray, be referred to haematology and 'perhaps something else too, but we'll not worry about that just now, we'll talk about it on Friday'" and then the nurse taking the blood looks and looks me up and down after seeing what she's needing to take and sighs.

Then I go home and cry.

Nightmare are nightmares. We wake up and laugh at ourselves for believing them.

But, sometimes, when you wake up, you wake up to your worst nightmare. Do you know how that feels? Awful, I'd say.



xxx

10 Things for 10 Days - day 8

Day 01: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day 02: Nine things about yourself.
Day 03: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day 04: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day 05: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day 06: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day 07: Four turn offs.
Day 08: Three turn ons.
Day 09: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day 10: One confession.






1. A genuine, bright and beautiful smile. All day, from morning till night. 


2. A fiery passion for life and the things in it, especially me.


3. A big dick. Not essential, but a turn on. I'm not going to lie to you. 




xxx 

10 Things for 10 Days - day 7

Day 01: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day 02: Nine things about yourself.
Day 03: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day 04: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day 05: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day 06: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day 07: Four turn offs.
Day 08: Three turn ons.
Day 09: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day 10: One confession.




1. Promiscuity. By this I don't mean only the obvious meaning of the world. You've slept with 485798749 people? Ew, obviously. But More, the idea of you sleeping with anyone else around any timeframe that I have so much as kissed you is a massive disgust factor, like nausea inducing. Perhaps it's because I'm quite a jealous person, or perhaps that I am very fragile; but it doesn't matter either way, it still absolutely disgusts me. If you sleep with someone and we start dating like 2 days after and I find out (although you've done nothing at all wrong) I am completely put off, and also the converse is true, if we stop seeing each other and you sleep with someone like the day after, I am massively repulsed. In that case not only for the aforementioned reasons, because I feel absolutely horrified that I mean so 'little' as that. 


2. Pretentiousness in order to achieve self-importance. Those people are so up themsevles there is no room for me to be up them. Avoid like the plague. 


3. Campness. I mean a "Bit floppy hands" is okay, because I certainly don't like complete pressured over-masculinity. But at the same time, I want a man, none of this horrendously cringe-worthy, nausea-inducing display of complete and utter twattery. 


4. Being shorter than me or younger than me. Even if you're like 2 months younger than me, or a month, or a week, or a day, it wouldn't matter. I would still feel a little bit creeped out... like some sort of pedo. Which is absolutely ridiculous, but I can't help it. 




xxx

10 Things for 10 Days - day 6

Day 01: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day 02: Nine things about yourself.
Day 03: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day 04: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day 05: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day 06: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day 07: Four turn offs.
Day 08: Three turn ons.
Day 09: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day 10: One confession.




1. My mum, Moira Kernan


2. My sister, Lisa Kernan


3. My oldest friend (since the age of 4), Leia Stoddart


4. Sinead (Nancy) Russell. I am one of only 2 allowed to call her Sinead. 


5. You. 

10 Things for 10 Days - day 5

Day 01: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day 02: Nine things about yourself.
Day 03: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day 04: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day 05: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day 06: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day 07: Four turn offs.
Day 08: Three turn ons.
Day 09: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day 10: One confession.




1. I wish I'd never gone to look for tadpoles at the pond in Vogrie when I was five. My mum wasn't paying attention and I was away looking at the tadpoles and damselflies fascinated when my sister fell in and almost drowned. It was my fault - I should have been looking out for her - and if anything had ever happened to her I would never have been able to forgive myself. Even at that age. 


2. I wish I'd never started smoking. Don't get me wrong - I love smoking and almost every aspect of it; but I am addicted. Dependent on a substance for contentment, and that goes against everything I like to think I am. 


3. I wish I'd never said yes that first time, or that second time. 


4. I wish I'd never listened to the things you said to me, or at the very least I wish I hadn't believed them when you said them. Those comments left a massive scar, one that still hasn't healed. 


5. I wish I'd never learned how to use psychological warfare over physical violence with you. I wish I hadn't learned how to make you cry within 30 seconds, and I wish I hadn't ever used it in an argument with you. I am so sorry. 


6. I wish I'd never trusted you. 




xxx

10 Things for 10 Days - day 4

Day 01: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day 02: Nine things about yourself.
Day 03: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day 04: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day 05: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day 06: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day 07: Four turn offs.
Day 08: Three turn ons.
Day 09: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day 10: One confession.






1.What's going to happen when I die? I'm an atheist agnostic, and so naturally, I don't know. The most likely scenario - though unpalatable - to me is that I will die and that will be it. Memories? Gone. Life? Gone. Consciousness? Gone. Myself? Gone. That my entire life and my entire being will just disappear in a split second and may as well have never existed because I wouldn't know I have anyway - because I don't exist. Dying is my worst fear for this reason: all my good amazing memories of all the good amazing people I have met and all the good amazing things I've done disappear, never to return. I don't exist. I live very much in my mind, so to have that one thing taken away from me terrifies me. 


2. If I were to be in a traffic accident tomorrow and end up in an extended coma - say a few weeks - and the doctors say they don't think I'll make it. When I do wake up that day in the hospital, who will be there? Who cares the most? Who would be holding my hand, tears of happiness in their eyes as I come to? My mum and my family would be there - at least doing shifts by my bedside - I know that and don't doubt it for a second. But who else? Who else would drop everything and come to my side? Who truly would care? 


3. What if pokémon existed??


4. Where will the world be in 100 years? What'll happen to society? Will humans still be here? Will we be at peace? Will we be at war? Will we be on earth? Will we know other sentient species? Will we be living underwater? Where will the world be in 100,000 years? Will we still be homo sapiens sapiens? Where will evolution take us? Will we have even evolved? Where will medicine be? What will we have invented? Where will the world be in 100 million years? What new creatures will have evolved? Etc, etc. Ad infinitum. 


5. When I am old and frail and dying (if I am old and frail when I die), who will my family be? Will I have children like I always wanted? Will I be married? Will I be widowed? Will my children visit me in my old folks home? When I look back on my life, will it be full of regret, or full of satisfaction? 


6. The colours I see, are those the same colours everyone else sees? Is blue to me the same blue as for someone else? In fact, do other people even see colour in the same effect that I do? 


7. What if I'd done X, Y and Z instead of A, B and C? How would my life be different? 






xxx

10 Things for 10 Days - day 3

Day 01: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day 02: Nine things about yourself.
Day 03: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day 04: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day 05: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day 06: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day 07: Four turn offs.
Day 08: Three turn ons.
Day 09: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day 10: One confession.






1. Don't cheat on me. That's a good start. 


2. You don't need to splash out on extravagant gifts or occasions - though it's nice - because you could spent that time way more meaningfully. Sometimes your company for a coffee, film, a quiet drink or a pizza night in and talking shows a greater level of affection. 

3. If you say you think or feel something, mean it and act on it. Don't say you feel one way and then act in a way that completely and utterly contradicts it. Also if you can say one thing and another the next day, I know you can't have possibly meant it. i.e. I value sincerity and honestly, even though the truth sometimes leaves a bitter taste. I will respect you way more for telling me an unpalatable truth than fabricating a lovely lie or masking the truth from me under guises. 


4. As well as being able to make comfortable conversation with me, be able to make comfortable silence. Sometimes silence speaks the loudest. 


5. Be able to make me smile or laugh, even when I'm really down. If you're really good at this, you can do it just by making a face or a noise or giving me a look or saying a simple word. You know how to cheer me up instantly; but also how to make me almost wet myself laughing within an instant. 


6. Be able to read my little signals, distinguish them and act on them appropriately: I'm fine (I'm actually fine); I'm fine (No, I'm not, I want to talk about it); I'm fine (No, I most definitely am not - ask me about it and I will tear your head off); If I shiver at night, cuddle me tighter; If I nuzzle you, I feel a bit meh and would like a kiss and a tighter hug. Those sorts of things? The fact someone learns to recognise the silly little things and care about them enough to take them into account is a massive thing for me. 


7. Be a good, compassionate, empathetic and generally nice person. Vegetarian would ideally fit into this category. 


8. If you really want me, keep me, even when I get defensively upset and try to push you away. Hold on to what you want. If you do this one, you win my heart. 




9ish. I know it's only supposed to be 8. But... If you and do all of those 8 win my heart and throw it away and stand on it. Don't expect to get it back. 




Wow. I think that one was the hardest to do. 




xxx

10 Things for 10 Days - day 2

Day 01: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day 02: Nine things about yourself.
Day 03: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day 04: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day 05: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day 06: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day 07: Four turn offs.
Day 08: Three turn ons.
Day 09: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day 10: One confession.

1. I have a phobia of dogs. It used to be particularly intense - seeing me run screaming in terror away from a Jack Russell puppy was not an unusual sight. I've gotten over it slightly over the past few years in that some dogs I "sense" they're okay, and will cautiously pet them or whatever; but the moment one barks or snarls or jumps, I'm in tears.




2. I have a birthmark on my left knee. It's strange in that it only shows up if i'm very warm or very, very cold. If I'm normal, it's not obvious, but in the extremes it turns a bright vivid pink which completely contrasts against the pallid white of the rest of my skin. 


3. I find it very difficult, nigh on impossible to trust people fully. I will trust certain people with certain things duly; but to trust someone with everything is an almost impossibly difficult task. 


4. I sometimes regret not doing music and doing medicine instead. 


5. I have low self-esteem and low self-image. I don't mind, because once upon a time I had lots of both, and it made me a horrible, horrible, arrogant narcissistic person that I shudder to remember. I prefer it this way. 


6. I am perhaps one of the most stubborn people you know. 


7. My only aim in life is to go to Africa or anywhere in the third world to practice medicine for MSF... then have children afterwards. 


8. I have synesthesia. 


9. I have really bad eyesight, and when I was younger I used to refuse to wear glasses. For this reason I have an extremely strong sense of smell, and can identify people by scent alone. In some cases before I can even see them. 




xxx

10 Things for 10 Days - day 1

Day 01: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day 02: Nine things about yourself.
Day 03: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day 04: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day 05: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day 06: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day 07: Four turn offs.
Day 08: Three turn ons.
Day 09: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day 10: One confession.



1. Hi. So I've known you longer than any other of my friends, and funnily in that way, our friendship is perhaps the most dysfunctional of them all. We go through good times, and bad, and times that are neutral where we don't even see each other or talk at all for a few weeks. Even when we argue, there is something I always know: that is that you will always be there for me no matter what. Once we had a massive argument and didn't speak for over a month, and then something upset me a lot, and I phoned you up, bawling my eyes out unintelligible. You asked no questions but, "Where are you? How long will it take me to get there?" You are always there for me. Sometimes I feel a bit guilty, because you close yourself off, and I wish you'd let me be there for you properly too. 


2. You are an inspiration to me in so many ways. With no money, little health and little support, you managed to single-handedly raise two bratty children all by yourself. One day, I am going to use that nurture and love and education you gave to me, and I am going to give it to my own child. Something else I'm going to give to a daughter is your name. I really wish you'd be able to be here to see her, because she is going to be a fantastic human being. My daughter Moira, will be told every day of the most amazing, strong, resourceful, loving and kind woman I have ever known; how she made every sacrifice a mother could feasibly make to give her kids the best she could, and how she should feel honoured to carry that name. 


3. I can't believe I didn't meet you before. I know we only met very recently (and very drunkenly) but I really do feel already very close to you, that I can say absolutely anything, no matter how outrageous freely and not be judged. You are so genuinely nice too - I know already that I could turn up at your door at 3.30am completely wasted and crying and you'd drop everything and comfort me with coffee and chocolate. You've been especially supportive recently when I've really needed support, so thank you. Thank you so much. 


4. You want to go to the RSAMD? Do you really? Then fucking get off your lazy little arse and get practicing and studying. Just passing your Higher Music isn't the most you can do. There is always something more you can do. Of all people, I should know exactly how hard it is to reach that standard of music, and even for me, it took a lot of effort. The hours and hours I spent practicing my flute you know, and the hours more I spent at wind bands and orchestras etc. Just coasting won't get you the best, you need to be dedicated to what you want. 


5. You may be wise and often give good, reasonable and sound advice; but honestly, either you purposely misled me several times, or you are seriously misinformed about what you're talking about. 


6. You know what day it is in 4 days? Do you remember? You probably don't; but that's okay, because I do. I have a chipped front tooth to remember all of it by. 


7. I miss you. A lot. My GBF. I am sorry it had to turn out this way in the end; but you did betray my trust, and that it something on principle I couldn't forgive. I wish we could have still been friends, but the choice was yours - 3 years of best friendship, or a boy. You chose the boy, and although that makes me really sad, it also makes me really happy to know that you two are still together. I really hope you two make it, because I'd like to think our friendship counted for something better than that. 


8. Please, please, please. You are a logical, reasonable and stable young woman. You have a stronger head on your shoulders than most people I know. So please, please, please, get a grip on reality soon. 


9. If you exist please grant me this wish: can I pretend that aeroplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now. 


10. You'll wonder why I likely won't talk to you anymore, and please believe me when I say it's not that I don't want to, it's just that everything I want to say I can't tell you anymore.


xxx

Priorities

Dear Friend,

Something I seem to be noticing more and more is that a lot of people have really screwed up priorities. Sure, I don't mean they're always malicious; but sometimes in trying to do something they completely neglect a completely much more important aspect of the situation.

Is it more important to make someone really happy, by allowing them to be completely miserable and hurt for a long period of time beforehand so the happiness is an amazing contrast? Or should you allow them to be happy for a long period of time, and then be still really happy?

Should you put someone through pain and suffering to give them a pleasure they had no idea was on the path, or should you tell them what's at the end of the road?

It's just a thought that came to my head recently when discussing a few philosophical things.


I think that no amount of misery and unhappiness at someone's expense makes up for making them happy unexpectedly at the end of the road. Sure, if they're happy going along the path, you can allow them to make what they want of it and then unveil the final stretch at the end to make them really happy. But if they're absolutely miserable not knowing where the path ends, you should really let them know to alleviate their pain.





Sean

xxx

P.S. This is about life and divine intervention.

The Oath of Being a Medical Student

Dear Friend,

At the time of being admitted as a member of this medical school:

• I solemnly pledge to consecrate my life to the service of vodka;
• I will give to my off-licenses the respect and gratitude that is their due;
• I will practice my alcoholism with no conscience nor dignity;
• The health of my liver will not be a consideration;
• I will not respect the secrets that are confided in me by drunken randoms, even after they have passed out;
• I will maintain by all the means in my power, the honor and the noble traditions of attempting to get out of bed for 9am lectures the next day;
• My fellow students and drinkers will be my sisters and brothers;
• I will not permit considerations of age, country of origin, strength, colour, taste, nationality, logo, viscosity, popularity or any other factor to intervene between my ethanol and my blood;
• I will maintain the utmost respect for cheap shots;
• I will not use my hangover to violate the right and liberty to my fellow students to coerce me into drinking again the next night, even if I'm chundering;
• I make these promises drunkenly, freely and upon my dishonor.

x